


maybe i'm my own greatest fear

by prouveyrac



Category: TAZ graduation - Fandom, The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, but it's okay they work it out in the end, fitz shoves his metaphorical foot in his metaphorical mouth, title from sorority noise 'art school wannabe'
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:21:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22458661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prouveyrac/pseuds/prouveyrac
Summary: “This promotion? Great, wonderful! A villain? Not so good.”“And… why?”“Because I’m not one of the bad guys?”(Fitzroy goes to Rainer's dorm to talk about his "new assignment" and instead realizes that he can't avoid talking about his feelings and fears any longer.)
Relationships: Sir Fitzroy Maplecourt/Rainer, fitzrain, fitzrainer
Comments: 15
Kudos: 113





	maybe i'm my own greatest fear

Rainer’s dorm was charmingly her. It was in the space between messy and tidy; the floor was spotless and the bed made, but stacks of books and jewelry and papers (and maybe a small skeleton or two, though he was never  _ actively _ looking for those) covered the surface of every desk and dresser. The door off to the side, which was to remain locked until Rainer chose her permanent hench, was covered in posters and drawings tactfully placed, and a lone calendar filled to the brim in a quill she charmed to write in whatever glittery color she desired.

Very charmingly her.

Fitzroy had rarely been here long enough to actually pay her decorum any mind. Most of the time they had alone was spent on the outskirts of campus, or in the minutes they had between classes; more often than not, them “hanging out” involved at least three other people venturing to a much more crowded place. 

Still, though, he couldn’t quite stop his feet from walking to her dorm. Rainer had no roommate, no hench, and, well… Hieronymous told him to keep his  _ program change _ a secret, but when has he ever been able to keep a secret, anyway?

“I half expected you to already be at the tavern,” Rainer was saying, her back to him as she sorted through one of her notebooks (probably looking for the report she’d have to write on their field experience, or more so a report on how  _ promising _ the kicks and henches seemed). “Maybe even bickering with Argo over who’s paying for drinks.”

She looked around the high-back of her chair and shot him a smile.

“Please, Rainer,” he said, hoping that his smirk and posture maintained his poise and not the thoughts that were racing through his head. “I’m enough of a gentleman to know to pay for my friends’ drinks.”

“I know you are,” Rainer said, softly, and Fitzroy was thankful that it was then that she turned back to her desk so she wouldn’t have to see the red rising in his face.

Of all he expected to find at Wiggenstaff, he didn’t expect Rainer.

Or, more so, of how much he expected to detest Wiggenstaff, he didn’t expect to find someone who gave him a reason to consider sticking around. He had Argo and the Firbolg, of course, and he appreciated his friends (perhaps even best friends, though Fitzroy hadn’t had any prior experience with that level of friendship), but what he had with Rainer was… different.

Which only made everything more complicated, because of course it did.

“I actually came here to talk to you,” he continued, looking up at the small lights she had hanging with the tapestry around her bed. 

Rainer snorted. “No, really? I thought you came to talk to Gary.”

Fitzroy rolled his eyes, barely trying to hold back a smile, and was about to make some witty quip about Rainer’s own when he was interrupted with a, “Hey! Rainer! See you’ve got guests up ‘ere!”

Both their eyes flashed to the now-animated gargoyle in the corner of Rainer’s room, and Fitzroy suddenly felt like he was trapped in a tank at the reminder that not only were the Garys listening, but also a  _ hivemind _ . That shared information. Information that could be private.

“Yeah, Gary, it’s-”

“Is there a way that he could actually be turned off?” Fitzroy asked, thankful that his voice remained level. “Apologies for the interruption but this is, well-” He swallowed, forced a smile “-this is kind of important.”

Rainer, spinning around to face him, arched an eyebrow before, with a flick of her wrist, a small, nearly-translucent bubble formed around the Gary.

“Silence,” she explained. “My Gary isn’t a nark so it’s probably fine.”

“Perfect,” Fitzroy nodded, allowing himself a relaxed grin.

“And I’ll admit, Fitz-” and she tapped her fingers against the arm of her chair “-You’ve got me kinda nervous here.”

“Well, no, you see- it’s fine, really.”

“That’s a lot of filler words for fine.” Still, she smiled and cocked her head.

“A lot of filler words for great, actually!” Fitzroy assured, to her and himself. “I’ve actually moved up in the so-called hierarchy here! Our  _ dear _ Headmaster wants to put me into the hero-villain tract!”

Rainer’s glee was almost enough to make Fitzroy think that perhaps this  _ wasn’t _ the complete end of everything. “Fitz, that’s amazing!” she exclaimed, moving her chair closer in so that she could tightly grab his hands. “We can all have classes together! You and me and Buck and Rolandus and his crew—don’t worry, they’re really all super nice—it’ll be so much fun!” She then furrowed her brows, suddenly serious, and, if possible, she squeezed his hands tighter. “What about Bud and Argo, though? Where are they going?”

“Oh, they’ll be fine,” he said, smiling. “They’ll be coming with me! As my- well, we all have to talk soon, but I  _ assume  _ they’ll be by my side.”

“Oh, like sidekicks!”

Fitzroy then sucked in a sharp breath through his teeth, grimacing. “And _ that _ , my dear, is when things start to get a little complicated.”

“What do you mean?” Rainer asked, frowning. “Don’t tell me- they’re not leaving, are-”

“Oh, no!” Fitzroy shook his head quickly. “No, not at all. They’ll be coming with me, but as… Well, you see, when good ole’ Hieronymous bumped me up, he didn’t… bump me up to being a hero.”

“Oh, so you’re a villain!”

Fitzroy was proud of himself for holding back a flinch. “Apparently so.”

“Oh, Fitz! That’s so cool! It’s honestly really fun. A lot of the professors are actually super cool, which is nice because some of the  _ content _ , oh boy, and-”

Fitzroy worried his bottom lip, trying to hold back the nerves and… aggravation that bubbled up in him. “But-” he interrupted “-but do you see the… issue… here?”

Rainer paused, studying him for a moment. “No?” she finally responded, equal parts confused and suspicious.

“This promotion? Great, wonderful! A villain? Not so good.”

“And… why?”

He raised an eyebrow. “Because I’m not one of the bad guys?”

Rainer froze for a moment and, while she gaped at him and then over at the stacks of textbooks and notebooks, it was then that Fitzroy realized that, perhaps, he fucked up. 

Dropping his hands right back into his lap, she huffed and moved herself back. “Wow, Fitz, _ super _ cool.”

“Rainer, wait,” he sighed. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what  _ did _ you mean?” She asked, annoyance coloring her own voice. “Because, honestly, if you think I’m a bad guy-”

“No, it’s-” Fitzroy found himself fumbling for words as his eyes darted around Rainer’s dorm to focus on anything but the scowl on her face “-it’s not that.”

“Then what?”

“It’s just-” An exasperated sigh left him again and, in resignation, he threw his hands up “-the villains are the ones we fight against!”

She narrowed her eyes. “Who’s  _ we? _ ”

“The Maplecourts!” he exclaimed. Once, simply stating the family name would make one think of knighthood. “We’re- we’re a long line of knights who are trained to fight evil and that is what I am meant to do!”

“Okay.” Rainer pinched the bridge of her nose, shutting her eyes tight. “You know equating villains with evil is pretty archaic, right? Like, there are heroes who are capital-E evil who just, I don’t know, fudged the budget, and then there are heroes who are capital-E evil because they actually did some really bad stuff. Like, I _ know  _ that you know that.”

His head fell back as he huffed again. “You’re not getting it.”

“No, I’m really not!”

Looking back down at her, he shook his head. “I can’t be a villain!”

“Why? Villains aren’t automatically bad people!”

“I know! It’s just- the Maplecourts- we’re  _ knights! _ ”

It was Rainer’s own turn now to throw her hands up. “You can still be a knight!”

“But not _ really! _ ” He snapped, his temper beginning to creep through as he struggled to restrain his volume.

“Why, Fitzroy? Why?”

“Because- because everyone expects me to be a knight so that’s what I  _ need _ to do and-”

“Enough about everyone else!” Rainer snapped back. “I don’t  _ care _ about everyone else! Only you! So, what do _ you _ think, Fitzroy? Why is this an issue for _ you? _ ”

“I’m terrified that this is all a mistake!” Fitzroy finally rushed out, unable to find it in him to care that he was near shouting. “I’m terrified that my time here is just derailing the future that I’m _ supposed _ to be taking! And- And this place isn’t the worst, okay? Argo and the Firbolg are my best friends and I  _ love _ you but I am also _ so scared  _ that I’m going to get out of here and there’s going to be nothing left for me! My family isn’t going to want a villain, Clyde’s Knight School isn’t going to want a knight who fought against the good that they strive to maintain, and- honestly, it felt like this school didn’t want me either! I just don’t want to keep going from nothing to nothing while everyone else gets to have the lives  _ they _ all fucking hoped and dreamed for!”

Fitzroy, his breathing almost as shaky as his hands, looked pointedly away from Rainer. He blinked quickly, trying not to pay too much attention to how his eyes burned and, instead, tried to take down his anger—at Rainer for seeing through him, at himself for letting his temper burst out—before his magic decided to go wild. 

He could already feel it thrumming through his veins, hot and chaotic, and the last thing he wanted was to destroy anything else.

He really didn’t like fighting with Rainer.

Suddenly exhausted, with every bone in his body weighing a ton, he let his head drop in his hands and roughly pressed his thumbs into his temples.

“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice much quieter now. “It’s just-”

He was interrupted by a hand rubbing gentle circles on his back, and he looked up to find Rainer sitting next to him. Quickly, he ducked his head back down. Rainer didn’t deserve to see him like this: a small, scared animal lashing out in a final act of defense.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated, quiet and, in his knightly opinion, pathetically fragile.

“It’s okay to be scared,” Rainer said, her hand finding its place of rest on his shoulder. “It’s okay to feel lost, even. But also… don’t run away from opportunities just because they scare you. That’s not you.”

He let out a weak laugh and finally picked his head up, flashing her whatever he could muster of a smile. “It’s pathetic though, isn’t it? I’m trained to be at the front-line in battle and I’m- I’m losing my cool because of _ academics _ .”

“Don’t just dismiss yourself like that,” she sighed. “It’s not pathetic, and obviously you’re upset over more than just some classes.”

“I just…” He released a breath, shoulders sagging. “Not to be incredibly dramatic, but it feels like my life keeps falling to pieces.”

“And I wish there was something I could do.”

He smiled slightly and rested a hand on her knee. “You don’t have to go through that trouble for me.”

“Maybe not.” Rainer shrugged. “But I want to.”

Fitzroy swallowed around the sudden lump in his throat.

“I think… I think you’re going to be okay,” Rainer continued. “I think things are going to be normal again, and I think you’re gonna like the new program-” Her voice then quieted “-Plus, being a villain isn’t so bad.”

The heat of shame rushed to his face and, trying to find the right thing to say to make up for _ that _ , he shook his head.

“I shouldn’t have said any of that to you,” he whispered.

Rainer shrugged with a half-hearted smile. “It’s okay.”

“No-” Fitzroy shook his head again, taking her hands “-it really isn’t.”

Rainer looked away for a moment, worrying her bottom lip. “I… well, okay, yeah, the whole villain comment hurt, but it’s- it’s fine.”

“But it really,  _ really  _ wasn’t okay,” he said, catching Rainer’s eye. “That was a major asshole move of me. You… you are nowhere near a bad person, Rainer. Not only are you a great person, a  _ good _ person, you… you’re one of the best.” She smiled, a true one this time, and Fitzroy gently cupped her cheek. “It was unfair of me to… to generalize and take my frustrations out on you. And I- I really am sorry.”

“It’s okay, really,” Rainer said, placing her hand over his. “You’re forgiven.” 

“Thank you,” he said quietly.

A smirk dashed across her face. “You just might have to retake a class or two on chivalry.”

He gave her a smile. “A small price to pay.” 

Rainer’s smirk turned into a smile as well and, for just a moment, she studied him. “Are you going to be happy here, Fitzroy?”

He faltered.

If he had been asked that at orientation, the answer would have been short and simple: absolutely not. Happy? At  _ Wiggenstaff’s _ when he was just attending  _ Clyde Nite’s Night Knight School? _ How  _ could _ he be?

Now, though, the answer wasn’t so easy.

“I want to be,” he finally said, sighing. “And, push comes to shove, I really _ do _ like it here. I have you, and I have our friends. It’s just… I want to be happy. But-” he scratched the back of his neck “-I think it’s obvious I have some stuff I need to work on. Nothing the school can fix… Honestly, I should be grateful to have this offer. It’s just… me-stuff, you know?”

Rainer nodded. “And we’ll be here to help you out. We all want you here,  _ love _ you being here.  _ I  _ love you, Fitz. And I think you should take this opportunity. I know it’s not what you expected, but it can still get you a foot in the door. And… I’m not gonna pry, and I don’t know what I can do to help with all the family stuff and the Clyde’s Knight school stuff but… I think they would all just want you to be happy. Want you to do what you want to do. And if that’s being a knight, great! But if you end up doing something else and loving it? Then they should love that for you.” She then leaned forward and kissed his cheek. “And… if anything, we’re your family, too. And we’ve got your back.”

Fitzroy smiled, and found himself very lucky to have Rainer in his corner. “I love you, too,” he said. “And I’ll do better next time at… actually talking instead of skirting around it.”

Rainer smiled, too. “I think you’ll be okay.”

“I’ll do it for you,” he said before leaning in and giving her a kiss. His hand rested gently at her hip, one of hers ghosting over the back of his neck and, when they pulled apart, he smiled. “You and a good grade, of course. As a villain, I probably have to do a lot of talking, right? Gotta freshen up on my monologuing.”

Rainer rolled her eyes with a laugh. “ _ So _ much monologuing. And you gotta do it with a hero, too. Buck’s the worst to do it with. He’ll do a monologue while you’re monologuing to try to out-monologue your monologue.”

“Well, I’ll just have to talk really loud, I guess,” he said, laughing, too.

“I think you’ll do fine.” Rainer smiled. “I think you’ll do good. Do  _ well _ … and some good, too.”

Fitzroy took her hands back in his own. “Not as good as you.”

“Who would’ve known that you were such a sap?”

“Don’t tell anyone,” he said with a wink. “I have a reputation.”

Rainer smirked. “You once lost an arm-wrestling contest with a hologram.”

He scoffed. “That was supposed to be a _ secret _ .”

“That  _ you _ told everyone!” Rainer laughed before leaning forward and kissing him again. “But _ I _ can actually keep a secret, so you’re fine.”

“Your confidence is greatly appreciated,” he said, “Oh, and! I was  _ not  _ supposed to tell anyone that I’m a villain now, either, so keep this on the DL as well.”

“Fitz!”

“But hey! Now that we’re gonna have classes together, we can pass fun, secret notes to each other! Dish the goss and share secrets!”

“We already do that!”

“Yeah but now we can be super sneaky about it!”

Rainer, shoving his shoulder, laughed. “I swear, if you make my GPA drop-”

“I would never!”

“I already have to deal with Buck trying to talk to me all the time! And sometimes Rolandus, too, when he’s feeling particularly fight-y…  _ with _ Buck. So-” She jutted a finger at him “-I have my eye on you, Maplecourt.”

He winked at her. “I know you do.”

Rainer stared at him, shaking her head, though she was only able to hold off a smile for so long. “You’re ridiculous.”

“Love you, too,” Fitzroy said, pressing a kiss to her forehead before standing. “Well, I guess I have some roommates I need to, ah, break this news to.”

“Good luck,” she said, smiling up at him. 

“Much appreciated,” he said. 

With his hand on the doorknob, he gave Rainer one final smile over his shoulder. “See you around, my lovely partner in crime.” 

Rainer grinned. “Try not to get into too much trouble,” she said, shooting him a wink.

“I’ll try my best,” he said with a soft laugh before stepping out of her dorm.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading, and i hope you enjoyed doing so!!!! i'm still trying to get the grasp of writing taz grad fic, but after episode 6 i couldn't /not/ fic this. also my brain just keeps bouncing back and forth between loving fitzroy/argo and fitzroy/rainer so i guess i multiship now!!!
> 
> comments and kudos are greatly appreciated!!!
> 
> ohsweetflips.tumblr.com


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